The Woke Contrarian

I don't think I'm one of them either. I'm one of mine.

Dumb takes on intelligence

On the one hand, there’s the entirety of Paul Cooijmans’s oeuvre. On the other hand, there’s Kaninchen Zero’s “Ableist Word Profile: Intelligence.” Both are supremely stupid.

Cooijmans’s concept of intelligence can be reduced to testing. Not intelligent behaviour, not developmental history, just testing. But the tests are supposed to reflect the ways that people recognise patterns, process information, and generate new knowledge. He can’t see the forest for the trees. (He’s also the kind of scum who links to white-nationalist sites like American Renaissance.)

In some ways, Kaninchen Zero’s post is even worse, mostly because we’re supposed to be on the same side. At least you know what you’re getting with Cooijmans—racist, sexist, ableist bullshit. Kaninchen, on the other hand, cannot separate individual differences in cognitive ability (which obviously exist, or we wouldn’t have a diagnosis called “intellectual disability” that necessitated accommodations) from the misuses of intelligence testing. Go right ahead and criticise biased IQ tests.

But to pretend that intelligence doesn’t exist is to pretend that humanity doesn’t exist.

Dear Dad…

(CW: rape, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, misogyny, homophobia, religious fundamentalism)

I hate you. I do not regret my existence, but I hate you. I hate you with the fury of a thousand suns. I have never in my thirty-eight years met another human being as contemptible as you are.

Why, pray tell, do I hate you? Here are thirty-eight reasons why, one for each year of my life.

Continue reading

Dear Mom…

(CW: rape, domestic violence, child sexual abuse, emotional abuse, misogyny, homophobia, religious fundamentalism)

I know you’ll never see this letter. But I’ve got to write it anyway.

I have been deeply concerned about you since I left home nearly twenty years ago.

It’s about Dad. He has been the worst thing to happen to you in your sixty-two years of existence. You have thrown away your ambitions, your intellectual curiosity, your wit and humour, your very soul. You told me that you wanted to study forensic science, that you wanted to go into a law-focused undergraduate programme. Instead, you threw all that aside for Dad. Dad has brought pain, suffering, and alienation to the women in his life—and one man. My sister and I have pulled away from him, but you are still trapped in his net.

Continue reading

Second thoughts about Ukraine

The US and NATO should continue to support Kiev militarily, though they should push the Ukrainian government to stop pushing nationalist bullshit. Last year, I thought that it was futile to send weapons to Ukraine, but I’ve given it more thought since then.

(Sorry I haven’t written many Ukraine/Russia or Israel/Gaza posts lately; I’ve been preoccupied with an avalanche of personal issues, including rape flashbacks and existential crises.)

Drop out, Joe!

A second Trump presidency, which seems likelier by the minute, will be a disaster not just for the United States, but the world generally. He is a mendacious, corrupt, vile, felonious excuse for a human being who should never have been near the Oval Office in the first place. Any Republican presidency would be dangerous for marginalised people (do you think that the chillingly fascistic Project 2025 is just for Trump?), but Trump is his own brand of awful because of his cult following. (And this time around, there will be fewer safeguards, since he no longer has to face the voters as he did in 2020, and the Supreme Court has declared him immune from prosecution if they believe that he has performed “official acts.”)

And Joe Biden is going to hand Trump the election on a silver platter if he continues to stay in the race. States like New Jersey—yes, New Fucking Jersey—are in play. The swing states all seem to be going to Trump.

If Biden stays in the race, I will never forgive him. No matter what he did during his presidency, he will sully his legacy by letting his ego get in the way of preserving democracy.

Drop out, Joe! Only then can we dump Trump for good.

One of many reasons why I’m a socialist

(CW: mentions of child sexual abuse, altered states, suicide)

Two years ago, I had a major mental health crisis—a manic episode complete with psychosis, delusions and hallucinations—that blew my life apart. I impulsively quit my beloved job, thinking that I had billions of dollars reserved for me in Europe. Because of my paranoia, I made an ass of myself on social media, thinking that everyone was out to get me. My poor friends were confused and bewildered to see me acting so wildly out of character. At the height of the episode, I was involuntarily hospitalised for two weeks and gradually returned to my normal self thanks to a regimen of lithium and antipsychotics. I didn’t have much time to recover after being discharged: since I’d quit my job in haste, I needed to hustle to ensure my financial security. I took a job a few months later, with a title similar to my previous one, but wildly different responsibilities and expectations. Things went fine at first, but I’ve been struggling to keep up for the past year. That was the first time I’ve ever received a bad review—the grown-up equivalent of a D on a report card. I’m used to doing well at work.

What I really needed was a year away from full-time work to recover from the psychosis. I needed intense therapy to process both the trauma of the psychosis and all the other traumas I’ve undergone, especially child sexual abuse. I was not ready to go back to full-time work two summers ago. But because there was no other choice (other than being evicted and living in a shelter), I did it anyway, and my mental health has suffered for it. Later that year, I was a hair’s breadth away from ending my life.

Last year I was too paralysed to focus on my work as much as I should have, and I felt terrible for letting down the team. I would try to focus, but I kept freezing up. There were times that I was nearly catatonic, but I didn’t want to use up all my sick days—and sometimes I was too frozen even to ask to use them. And this year I had yet another manic episode—right after my dissociative amnesia lifted and I was flooded with a series of harrowing memories. (I’m not sure about all these memories, but there’s enough consistency between them and what I remember about my later life that a lot of them add up.) And through it all, I was bumbling my way through work—and it showed in my boss’s feedback.

I hate being “the load” at work. Hate, hate, hate. It’s not about laziness; it’s about struggling to survive after experiencing one of the most catastrophic events in one’s earthly existence. I was battling autistic burnout, PTSD flashbacks, OCD compulsions, free-floating generalised anxiety and refractory bipolar depression. I feel so inadequate and useless, and it’s especially painful because I know what I’m capable of when I’m at my best. But I was in no condition to work full time in 2023.

There’s no good way for people to recover from mental health crises if they’re not rich. There’s no such thing as short-term disability outside workplace benefits. (I would have used disability leave at my old job if I were sane enough to tell I needed it, which I wasn’t—I thought I was the fucking Messiah, for god’s sake.) Social Security benefits are designed for people who can’t work at all, not people who can work but can’t find the right job, or who will be able to work again but can’t at the moment. The SSA would laugh at my application. Unemployment insurance, on the other hand, isn’t for people who are temporarily unable to work, since you’re supposed to be able to take a job immediately if you claim benefits. High-quality residential treatment, from which I would have greatly benefited, is for the well-heeled. Affordable housing is hard to get, especially where I live. (And don’t tell me to move somewhere with a lower cost of living—if you’re queer, trans and disabled, that’s often a bad idea. Bigoted politicians and no social services? No thanks.) If I didn’t push myself to get a job after discharge, I could have ended up homeless again if I were evicted, which would have just made my mental health problems worse. (Been there, done that, wouldn’t want to repeat it.) I didn’t get services from my state’s Department of Mental Health until I started this job.

In a socialist society, this would not have happened. I would have been able to get disability benefits as soon as I came out of that hospital. I wouldn’t have panicked about possible eviction while I was waiting for my rental assistance application to go through. I wouldn’t have been felt pressured to take a job that was mostly unrelated to what I studied in grad school. I would have been able to find work suited to my abilities and needs at the time. And, most importantly, I would have been able to do what I needed the most: recover. Instead of getting workplace D’s, I would have been able to rest until I could do A-quality work.

It’s socialism or barbarism.

OK, you’ve sold me on abolition

(CW: rape, murder, child abuse)

I was ambivalent before, mostly because of violent crimes like murder and rape. (Also, a lot of abolitionist writing is heavy-heavy-heavy on the jargon, which makes me grit my teeth even as I cheer the writers on.) But I’ve done more reading into what prison abolition actually means—it doesn’t just mean letting violent criminals walk around killing and assaulting people. It means providing the resources people need so that they never commit crimes in the first place. It’s a gradual process, not an immediate “let’s get rid of all the prisons” demand. It’s not incrementalist in the sense that it upholds current systems with piecemeal tweaks here and there; it’s a ground-up rethinking of how we prevent harm and move toward a better, safer society.

Abolition calls for accountability without using the prison system to punish and isolate, or simply “cancelling” or shunning the harm-doer. This isn’t to say that everyone needs to become BFFs with Bob the Axe Murderer (and especially not his victims’ relatives or friends). It means that you need a way to prevent Bob from becoming an axe murderer, or figuring out what he needs to put down the axe and become a functioning member of society again. And incarceration isn’t going to stop the violence; instead, it will just perpetuate the cycle.

I have read restorative- and transformative-justice stories about incestuous child molesters being rehabilitated. Hands-on parent–child sexual abuse is probably the most horrific thing I can think of—and I should know. I would be open to reconciling with my parents if they actually took responsibility for what they did. (I’ve never confronted them about the sexual abuse; I hadn’t contextualised the abuse when I was still in contact with them. But I knew about their emotional and physical abuse.) The problem is that they refuse to be accountable for their actions. Other survivors may not agree with me about reconciliation, and it’s not their job to. There’s a hotline, A Call for Change, designed to reach people either before or after they’ve abused their partners. ReSpec, operated by a former staff member at Feminist Frequency, is a monthly support and accountability group for people who have caused harm, whether that’s harassment, sexual assault, or something else. Circles of Support and Accountability surround recently released sex offenders and provide them with a community that makes them less likely to offend.There are organisations like Stop It Now! that provide confidential support to get people to stop using child sexual abuse material. These groups let people know what they’re doing is wrong before matters get worse, and there needs to be more of them.

People who cause harm may do so for complex reasons. Yes, even murderers, domestic abusers, and rapists. That doesn’t excuse their actions in the slightest; it just means that there are ways these crimes could have been intercepted without the involvement of police and prisons. We put a stop to rape when we teach people not to objectify each other and dispel the notion that people owe each other sex. We stop child abuse when we remind adults that kids are somebody and not something. We stop murder when we learn that we cannot take others’ lives to settle scores or remove obstacles. Prisons don’t teach any of those lessons, since policing and prisons themselves are violent. They lock people up, sometimes for life, instead of teaching them values.

I can understand the need for restorative justice in my own life. I’ve fucked up. I’ve never assaulted or murdered anyone. But I have said horrific, despicable, wildly out-of-character things I regret and can never take back because of untreated bipolar disorder (which can result in poor impulse control, grandiosity, and straight-up delusions and psychosis). These things haunt me to this very day, even though I don’t say anything destructive when I’m taking medication for my mood episodes. But even though I wasn’t in my right mind, the things I said still caused harm. They still ruptured relationships, either temporarily or permanently. They distorted the truth. They were cruel, distorted, vile. You could be possessed and swing around an axe without intending to hurt anyone, but an axe is still an axe. The blade still cuts.

Prison abolition teaches that “we are more than the worst things we’ve done.” And that’s why I’m an abolitionist.

More autism community frustrations

Back when I was on Twitter, I noticed autistic people who would say that anyone who identified as a highly sensitive person was actually autistic and expressing internalised ableism. You can be sensitive without being autistic. People who say they’re highly sensitive rather than autistic are just saying what’s true for them, not trying to dissociate themselves from the disability community.

When all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

“Inclusion”

Offering undifferentiated instruction to students who are getting severely confused or bored to tears isn’t real “inclusion.”

Merely physically including students in a classroom isn’t real “inclusion,” especially if they get beaten up for being too different.

I support accessible and inclusive classrooms, but a lot of the talk about “inclusion” doesn’t support the real thing at all.

The unholy marriage of sexism and anti-intellectualism in the autism community (CW: rape/child sexual abuse)

I find it really fucking infuriating when highly intelligent autistic people attribute every single positive trait or ability of theirs to autism. Typically, these people are women or AFAB nonbinary, which gives it a weirdly sexist feel. (And most of them are white, too. It’s painful to see when you’re Black like me.) Admittedly, this fury is personal and is connected to old, deep trauma.

(I’ve been talking about myself a lot more lately, mostly because I’ve been processing over three decades’ worth of trauma, and it’s inextricably tied to my beliefs. I had dissociative retrograde amnesia for years, and only now am I remembering.)

My father lived in a 1950s time warp, where women were supposed to be quiet, tidy, somewhat dull, subservient, mousy, and unambitious. The idea of having a loud, intelligent, brash, creative, dreamy, transmasculine child was anathema to him.

On top of that, I was sexually assaulted by my father for being “too intelligent.” Specifically, around the time I hit the ceiling on an IQ test at the age of three (around the time I also received an autism diagnosis), I corrected my father’s spelling. I was declared the most intelligent child the examiners had tested. His ego wounded, he decided to teach me a lesson by abusing me for it—mostly because he wouldn’t get away with his earlier molestation from when when he thought I was average or slow. I developed dissociative amnesia as a result, which lifted much later. From that moment onward, the autism diagnosis was used to suppress my intellect, stifle my creativity, justify the family’s sexism, and force me into obscurity. It is to the point that I have spent a great deal of my intellectual ability on hiding it, to the point that I am sometimes overlooked.

And I come across countless autistic people—typically ones who were held up as gifted children, put through a different kind of pressure—describe themselves as being “just autistic,” “just developmentally disabled.” I know they are in pain because they were objectified for their intelligence and didn’t receive accommodations for their disabilities growing up. They didn’t deserve to be put on a pedestal when they were just kids who needed an education that worked for them, not for their starry-eyed parents. But when someone’s been literally raped for being too intelligent, when someone has been crushed and stifled with an autism diagnosis, when someone has been given useless accommodations and forced through special ed and ABA, that pain is going to be a lot louder.

When I hear this kind of talk, it is painful, as in physically painful. It reminds me of what I was forced to believe about myself—that I was “merely” an autistic savant who said intelligent-sounding things, but was really talking nonsense. That everything about me could be reduced to an entry in the DSM. I had the developmental disability identity shoved on me to destroy me. I am a disability activist, but I refuse to do that shit. I find it demeaning and degrading, and honestly a little insulting.

And to see people do this voluntarily makes me want to put myself in sackcloth and ashes as I mourn what could have been. It’s especially awful when it’s AFAB autistic people doing this (more frequently women and nonbinary people than trans men). And that is nearly always the case. The idea of anyone brought up as a girl in a patriarchal society minimising their intelligence feels as though it’s set the feminist movement back by sixty years.

Do you even fucking hear yourselves? You sound like “I’m just a dumb little woman. I’m not that intelligent, tee hee hee.” Do you realise how much this sounds like internalised sexism? Did those feminist leaders fight and bleed and sweat for nothing when they tried to prove their intelligence and competence?

While I sit here keening in agony because I had to deal with this kind of undiluted patriarchal bullshit that you were privileged enough to escape.

Don’t be an unwitting tool of the patriarchy.

 

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